the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
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jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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