What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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