Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
