There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Umm I'm too high to move.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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