I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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