I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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