What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
