I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
