My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
