If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
