the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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