Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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