8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
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Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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