I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
