I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
