Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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