Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
