My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
