I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can you repeat that, but with context?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
