You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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