Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
