I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
