Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
