stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
