non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
