There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it's great music for shaving your balls
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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