Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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