I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
