Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
