If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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