I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
