Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
