Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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