Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
