Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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