i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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