She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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