I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
