Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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