So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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