I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
