I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
