new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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