so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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