I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
