Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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