Don't make out with my wife yet
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
