I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
