My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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