So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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