I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
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She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
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Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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