My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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