i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
