I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
