you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
