I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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