I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
